The Best Tweets of May 2009 or:
A month in
which the
Twitterati are
preoccupied with
trivial concerns,
against a backdrop
of mounting fears
about job security
and bank failures. Chloeeoheeoh, Dwineman and Ladawn tweet
about their domestic
dramas while Astro_Mike gives
a celestial perspective
from aboard the
space shuttle
Atlantis on an
11 day mission
to repair the
Hubble space
telescope.
Joeschmidt may
be summing up
the mood of many
when he laments: "Twitter
would be a lot
more useful if
it could tell
me what I *should*
be doing right
now."
 |
badbanana I
have
spent
a lifetime
refusing
to own
crappy
GM vehicles
and my
reward
is to
own the
entire
crappy
company? June 1st 2009 |
 |
lisarahmat General
Motors
salutes
Major
Failure. June 1st 2009 |
 |
adamisacson So
few of
us plan
for both
the short
and long
term.
We could
learn
much
from
smoking-while-crossing-in-front-of-traffic
guy on
14th
Street. June 1st 2009 |
 |
samhey I
didn't
think
humans
could
move
their
feet
like
Fred
Flintstone
until
I watched
my son
hear
the first
ice cream
truck
of the
season. June 1st 2009 |
| | adamisacson "Medium
number
8, with
a Coke,
to go,
please."
"Medium or large?"
"I just-- Medium."
"Any drink?"
"A Coke."
"For here or to go?"
"To go." 8:11 AM May 31st |
 | smilinbjones "How
do I
find
a search
engine?
Should
I just
Google
one?"
"Step away from the computer.
Slowly." 8:47 AM May 29th |
| | adamisacson Sorry
I was
gone
for a
bit.
I had
important
stuff
to do.
But I
can now
report
that
every
item
on my
to-do
list
has been
fully
reprioritized. 7:53 AM May 29th |
 | trelvix Yes.
I do
have
to ruin
everything.
She was wondering. 7:00 AM May 29th |
 | seanhussey Me:
How many
eyes
do I
have?
Boy: 2!
Me: Ears?
Boy: 2!
Me: Noses?
Boy: 1!
Me: Mouths?
Boy: 1!
Me: Chins?
Boy: 2!
Me: Go to bed. 2:13 PM May 28th |
 | SeoulBrother Awakened
by a
shrill
sound
coming
from
some
kind
of red-numbered-display
box on
my nightstand.
This
can't
be good. 5:38 AM May 28th |
 | CranberryPerson This
weekend's
family
sitcom
plagiarism
will
be in
the form
of me
trying
to fix
a dishwasher
over
my wife's
insistence
we call
a repairman. 5:13 AM May 28th |
 | vmarinelli You
know
what
they
say:
Fall
asleep
to Meerkat
Manor,
wake
up to
highly
explicit
footage
of a
moose
humping
a mailbox.
Thanks
Animal
Planet! 8:45 PM May 27th |
 | obxlaw Warship
sunk
off Florida
to create
artificial
reef.
I'd like
to do
this
to a
Dodge
Grand
Caravan.
Yes,
I'm looking
at you,
neighbor. 11:39 AM May 27th |
 | shoesonwrong What
I love
about
the internet
is if
my leg
fell
off,
I'd get
a lot
of messages
going, "Poor
you!" but
at least
one saying, "Can
I have
it?" 8:15 AM May 27th |
| | adamisacson Me: "How're
you doin'."
Cashier: "How're you
doin'."
I note a genuine interest
in how I'm doin' and
a reluctance to divulge
how he's doin'. 7:28 AM May 27th |
| | badbanana Pondering
ways
I can
use the
situation
in North
Korea
to get
out of
my afternoon
meeting. 6:03 AM May 27th |
 | zeldman America
has learned
its lesson.
Accountability
matters.
That's
why today,
when
a banker
screws
up, you
can be
sure
a teacher
will
be fired. 6:41 AM May 26th |
 | |
 | Astro_Mike Getting
re-adjusted
to gravity,
let go
of a
small
bag of
groceries
and must
have
expected
it to
float,
luckily
no damage 5:26 PM May 25th |
| | Astro_Mike From
orbit:
Listening
to Sting
on my
ipod
watching
the world
go by
– literally 12:04 PM May 19th |
| | Astro_Mike From
orbit:
At the
end of
my spacewalk,
I had
time
to just
look
at the
Earth,
the most
awesome
sight
my eyes
have
seen,
undescribable 2:43 AM May 18th |
| | CranberryPerson Put
diet
motivator
sign
on fridge: "Stop
snacking
on beer." Wife
took
it down,
fearing
the cleaning
lady
would
take
it as
an accusation 3:02 PM May 25th |
 | joesmithreally After
20 minutes
in bath,
5 emerges.
She
soon
declares: "I
forgot
to wash."
I can only aspire to
such committed lack of
purpose. 2:28 PM May 25th |
 | abigvictory Daughter
just
made
me listen
to Glee
version
of Don't
Stop
Believing.
Whatever terrible things
I've
done
to her
as a
mother,
we're
even. 10:54 AM May 25th |
 | tj Her: "The
lightbulbs
are over
the dryer"
Me: "The rooster flies
east at dawn"
Her: "What?"
Me: "Oh, I thought we
were talking like spies" 10:06 AM May 25th |
 | aedison Tsrut
mee,
you dno't
wnat
to get
haisrpay
in youur
eeys. 6:07 AM May 25th |
| | smilinbjones Put
screaming
kids
to bed.
Now watching
a reality
show
featuring
screaming
kids.
What caliber gun did
Elvis
use to
shoot
out his
TV again? 3:23 PM May 24th |
 | lindstifa ATTN
pilots
flying
over
Chicago:
No need
to call
homeland
security.
Just
the sun
reflecting
off my
bare
legs.
Apologies. 6:39 AM May 23rd |
 | idvssuperego Joggers
outside
my window,
so charmingly
innocent.
Obviously,
they’ve
yet to
discover
sloth
and chocolate
croissants. 6:35 AM May 23rd |
 |
ladawn My
daughter
the food
critic
just
gave
my pasta "An
8 out
of 10.
The noodles
are a
bit stiff." Ever
heard
of al
dente
you little
stinker? 10:57 AM May 22nd |
 | baileygenine This
is for
archiving
inner-monologues
right? 9:08 AM May 22nd |
 | mayafish me: "Disaster
Preparation
program
manager?!
I'd be
so good
at that!" mom: "I
think
you'd
have
to stop
starting
every
sentence
with
UH OH." 6:36 AM May 22nd |
 | rafitorres Takes
me a
while,
but I
manage
to teach
my 3yo
daughter
the word "microphone." She
then
goes
to my
wife: "Mom,
where's
yourcrophone?" 4:58 AM May 22nd |
 | secretsquirrel An
Member
of Parliament
has been
charged
with
claiming
moat
repairs
as a
work
expense.
They're
having
a bitch
of a
time
serving
the papers. 4:10 AM May 22nd |
 | yowhatsthehaps My
clothes
almost
always
match,
my teeth
are naturally
straight
and I'm
not a
know
it all.
Yet, Ugly Betty is the
one with
two boyfriends. 7:31 PM May 21st |
 | LisaG732 Tonight's
Zoning
Meeting
gem: "Only
thing
wrong
w/this
map is
the measurements,
so I
don't
see a
problem
with
it." Government
at its
finest. 3:50 PM May 21st |
| | badbanana I,
for one,
could
use a
little
more
time
between
face
transplant
stories. 3:24 PM May 21st |
 | kimproper My
Microsoft
Word
just
crashed
at 5:24pm
after
long
non-saving.
And they
say Words
can never
hurt
you. 11:21 AM May 20th |
| | adamisacson Just
had a
watercress
salad.
Now I'm
going
into
a meeting
without
checking
my teeth
first.
I try
to live
life
close
to the
edge. 8:46 AM May 20th |
 | joeschmitt It's
so hot
in this
conference
room
that
I'm not
sure
if this
girl
has a
fake
tan or
if she's
medium
rare. 7:58 AM May 20th |
 |
BlueLanugo It's
still
not illegal
to shave
while
driving
so, if
a cop
spots
me texting,
I just
rub my
blackberru33)6(__grerhgeegyilhg 5:45 AM May 20th |
| | CranberryPerson Almost
added
the person
who didn't
hold
the elevator
to my
enemies
list,
until
I considered
what
it must
be like
to ride
an elevator
with
me 2:40 AM May 20th |
| | badbanana The
Senate
passed
a credit
card
overhaul
bill
today.
It was
approved
after
two swipes. 12:06 PM May 19th |
| | joeschmitt Was
told
in meeting: "We
really
need
to boil
this
puppy
down." The
things
we'll
do to
keep
our jobs
in this
economy. 9:05 AM May 19th |
 | sniffyjenkins On
a bus
full
of university
students.
Scared
they'll
smell
the non-emo
in their
midst & unleash
the power
of angsty
looks & bad
hair
dye. 6:37 AM May 19th |
| | CranberryPerson FITNESS
UPDATE:
Set my
alarm
for "running
time." Hit
snooze
repeatedly
until "lazy
person
with
squishy
midriff
time." 4:47 AM May 19th |
| | sniffyjenkins Yep,
she's
a fashion
victim
alright,
if you
mean
she looks
like
she's
been
stalked,
beaten
up & then
eaten
alive
by those
skinny
jeans. 4:33 AM May 18th |
| |
BlueLanugo Yeah,
the earthquake
was scary
but you
should
see my
snowglobe
collection
right
now! 5:56 PM May 17th |
 | BrilliantOrange I
just
ate so
many
pistachios
that
the squirrels
at my
window
started
clapping. 3:10 PM May 17th |
 | chloeeoheeoh I'll
just
cut to
the chase.
I was
preheating
my apartment
to 400
degrees.
*closes oven* 3:02 PM May 17th |
| | CranberryPerson Dear
hyper
chihuahua,
we only
have
45 minutes
left
together
on this
drive,
but I
have
a bad
feeling
one of
us is
not going
to make
it. 2:42 PM May 16th |
 | BakeMyFish I’m
looking
forward
to the
day Twitter
expands
from
140 to
145.
I have
some
commas,
colons,
periods
and uhs
I’ve
been
saving. 3:07 PM May 15th |
 | sween Fried
chicken,
steak,
tater
tots,
cream
soda,
nachos,
beer,
peanut-butter
cups.
Looks like I have the
first
half
of bulimia
down
pat. 12:33 PM May 15th |
 | dwineman I
thought
I was
done
with
life
lessons,
but apparently
I missed
the one
about
not sending
spools
of dental
floss
through
the wash. 8:59 AM May 15th |
| | rafitorres Please
note
that
in honor
of closing
car dealerships,
all Wacky
Waving
Inflatable
Arm Flailing
Tube
Men must
wave
at half-pressure
today. 6:43 AM May 15th |
| | joeschmitt Had
iPhone
off at
lunch & heard
birds
tweeting.
Nothing
interesting-
mostly
celebrity
retweets & what
they
had for
lunch. 8:25 AM May 14th |
| | badbanana Meeting
done.
I may
have
prolonged
it by
accidentally
being
interesting
towards
the end.
Not my
usual
style. 7:20 AM May 14th |
 | yhf Sitting
in the
dark,
smoking,
with
only
the iPod's
backlight
for illumination.
I feel
like
Leonard
Cohen,
only
without
the talent. 4:40 PM May 13th |
| | lisarahmat I
look
great
today.
My bag
goes
well
with
my shoes.
And the
rain
matches
my tears. 3:10 PM May 13th |
 | awryone Wife:
Why do
you care
if they
laugh?
You've
never
even
met these
people.
Me: Well, we've intermet.
Wife: You are so stupid. 7:06 AM May 13th |
 |
phyllisstein Today,
my socks
have
creative
differences. 6:04 AM May 13th |
| | CranberryPerson Sure
it's
tough
to get
up a
5AM and
run 4
miles,
but bragging
about
it to
strangers
on the
internet
makes
it all
worthwhile. 12:04 AM May 13th |
 | texburgher "Honey,
watch
your
back!"
She makes me feel like
a dashing hero, deftly
evading certain danger,
when she reminds me to
lift with my legs. 10:24 AM May 12th |
| |
ladawn Spaghetticoma
commencing.
Resistance
is futile. 9:47 AM May 12th |
 | Aimee_B_Loved This
isn't
makeup.
This
is warpaint. 5:49 AM May 12th |
 | ChiNurse I
was feeling
pretty
competent
this
morning
until
I choked
on my
own saliva. 4:44 AM May 12th |
| | adamisacson Dropped
off the
kid.
Taking
the bus
to work.
Soon
I'll
be at
my desk
answering
emails.
I want
Harrison
Ford
to play
me in
the movie
version. 3:04 AM May 12th |
| | tj I
may have
hesitated
*just*
a moment
too long
when
she asked
for my
Twitter
username.
If you'll excuse me,
I have
to delete
some
old posts. 10:37 AM May 11th |
 | frageelay "Great;
I can
just
press
a button
and get
some
food."
--the 6 y.o. after I
told him I'll be part
robot after my ankle
replacement surgery 9:29 AM May 11th |
| | joeschmitt I'm
not sure
that
was a
pothole.
Looked
more
like
what
killed
the dinosaurs. 4:19 AM May 11th |
| | tj Every
time
I watch
Mythbusters "debunk" MacGyver,
I find
myself
thinking, "Yeah,
but MAYBE
it didn't
work
because
You Are
Not MacGyver!" 3:08 PM May 10th |
| | vmarinelli Too
ill to
travel.
Insisted family go without
me. Thought, "If
I must
be alone
today,
at least
I have
this
donut."
Puppy just ate my donut. 11:00 AM May 10th |
| | smilinbjones Pro
Tip:
To get
kids
outside
to fly
a kite,
attach
a wii
controller
to the
end of
the string.
It makes
it feel
much
more
natural
to them. 6:00 AM May 10th |
| | yhf Happy
Mother's
Day,
moms
everywhere!
I'm tempted
to exclude
my MIL
but that's
probably
not in
the spirit
of the
day. 3:23 AM May 10th |
| | badbanana I
predict
pastries
in the
morning.
Call
me Nostradonuts. 6:57 PM May 8th |
| | adamisacson What's
more
pitiful:
a) a cop patrolling on
a Segway,
or b)
a criminal
apprehended
by a
Segway
cop?
a), because b) can't
possibly
exist. 12:49 PM May 8th |
| | sween Sween's
Law:
If someone
tells
you how
Twitter
is supposed
to be
used,
they
are wrong. 7:24 AM May 8th |
 | notasausage Error
4:04PM,
Motivation
Not Found 10:04 AM May 7th |
| | adamisacson The
unexamined
life
is not
worth
living.
The unexamined
diet,
however,
is delicious. 9:58 AM May 7th |
 | Trick_or_tweet Closed
Word, & got
the message, "Do
you want
to replace
Normal?"
Say what you want, infidels,
but this prayer thing
is working. 9:24 AM May 7th |
 | kariedwards It's
difficult
to pay
attention
in here
when
the sirens
outside
sound
like
someone
keeps
going
bankrupt
in a
giant
game
of Wheel
of Fortune. 5:38 AM May 7th |
| | badbanana Michael
Jackson's
former
publicist
is suing
for $44
million
in fees.
Man,
just
think
of all
that
positive
press
she got
him. 4:19 PM May 6th |
 | Yayaa My
mother's
silent
treatments
consist
of her
calling
me, to
ask if
I've
noticed
that
she is
giving
me the
silent
treatment. 2:20 PM May 6th |
 | justirish Going
to get
the natural
color
put back
in my
hair. 12:55 PM May 5th |
 | danielle_i I'm
working
again
where
there
is no
cell
phone
coverage.
If anyone
needs
me, send
a smoke
signal. 3:16 AM May 5th |
| | adamisacson Gets-Up-Early-Me
is annoyed
at Stays-Up-Late-Me.
But Goes-To-Meetings-Me
is livid
with
white-hot
rage
at Says-Yes-To-Meeting-Requests-Me. 2:24 AM May 5th |
 | joeschmidt Twitter
would
be a
lot more
useful
if it
could
tell
me what
I *should*
be doing
right
now. 3:40 PM May 4th |
| | yowhatsthehaps Do
we still
need
to spell
e-mail
with
a hyphen?
Sometimes
I could
really
use that
extra
character
for an
unnecessary
comma. 11:23 AM May 4th |
| | sween Next
on MythBusters:
Jamie
and Adam
find
out if
Zeus
really
can transform
himself
into
a swan
and seduce
the queen
of Sparta. 2:11 AM May 4th |
 | cleversimon Do
you ever
feel
like
you're
having
one of
those
decades? 8:56 AM May 3rd |
| | badbanana A
father
delivered
his own
baby
with
help
from
YouTube.
Regrettably,
the first
feeding
consisted
of Diet
Coke
and Mentos. 7:41 PM May 1st |
| | abigvictory I'm
going
to pretend
that
my mother
did not
just
call
me to
tell
me not
to eat
Mexican
food.
Then I'm going to pretend
she's
not my
mother. 2:45 PM May 1st |
 | irreverend Written
on the
hospital
suggestion
box:
“Got
any catchy
ideas?”
Pathogen
humor.
It’s
contagious. 8:42 AM May 1st |
| | adamisacson Baristas
must
think
I'm a
curt,
brusque,
inarticulate,
poorly
socialized
person.
Alas,
they
will
never
know
me after
I've
had my
coffee. 4:48 AM May 1st |
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