The Best Tweets of April 2009 or:
The
front page
tweets of April
2009 :
 | aedison I'll hit 2,000 followers today. Which isn't bad, until you realize that I've been on Twitter since 1992. 11:30 PM Apr 30th |
 | lisarahmat Me: So I went to Ta...
Sis: Mum already told me.
Me: Well I bought...
Sis: That too.
Me: But I...
Sis: Also.
Mum, RL's fastest retweeter. 3:59 PM Apr 30th |
 | seanhussey For the first time, my boy just told me that he loved me.
No, there's nothing in my eye. I'm crying. 2:14 PM Apr 30th |
 |
texburgher Social media: A powerful set of tools by which the poignancy of daily living is strip mined, distributed, and quickly forgotten. 2:01 PM Apr 28th |
 | adamisacson Doughnuts go great with coffee.
Starbucks has lousy doughnuts.
Krispy Kreme has lousy coffee.
The free market has failed us, comrades. 9:00 AM Apr 28th |
 |
Fears of a swine flu pandemic emerge ... |
| | texburgher Lucky for me, the only other thing I wanted to do before I die was visit Mexico City. 3:43 AM Apr 30th |
 | sniffyjenkins Everybody was lung flu fighting. 3:26 AM Apr 30th |
| | lisarahmat "Flu focus shifts to US"
You Americans would do anything to hog the headlines. 4:20 PM Apr 28th |
 | obxlaw Italian
citizen
found
to have
prosciutto
flu. Apr 27th |
 | eyeteegee If
we do
go to
war with
the pigs,
we'll
need
an awful
lot of
apple
sauce. Apr 28th |
 | trelvix I
think
my pig
is lying
about
his symptoms. 4:29 AM Apr 26th |
 | badbanana A
pandemic
sure
would
validate
my hermit
lifestyle. 8:05 AM Apr 25th |
 | InSoOutSo Aporkalypse.
What
a tasty
way to
die. 5:51 AM Apr 23rd |
| | badbanana Because
of the
flu,
professional
soccer
games
in Mexico
City
will
be played
without
any fans.
Just
like
in the
USA. 3:08 PM Apr 25th |
| | badbanana Can
you get
swine
flu from
sitting
on a
toilet
seat
after
a pig?
I'm asking
for Iowa. 4:00 AM Apr 25th |
 | toldorknown I'm
so sorry
I make
you butcher
my tweets
to RT
them.
If only
the web
provided
a means
by which
you could
just
link
to the
ones
you like. Apr 28th |
| |
Touché. Sean Hussein Hussey cannot resist rubbing it in and responds: |
| | seanhussey Hahahaha!
Good
one!
LOL!
RT @toldorknown:
so sorry
I make
u butcher
my twts
2 RT
them.
If web
prov.
way which
u cld
link
to the
1s u
like. Apr 28th |
 | luckyshirt Just
drove
home
from
work
without
hitting
a single
red light.
Can't
wait
to see
what
Bank
of Karma
is going
to charge
for THAT
overdraft. Apr 28th |
 | irreverend Mom: "I
am SO
baked!" She
meant
fried,
but she
is a
dietitian
and can't
bring
herself
to use
a high-fat
metaphor. Apr 27th |
 | myracles I'm
the girl
your
mom warned
you about.
Oh she
didn't
warn
you about
any girls?
Excellent. Apr 27th |
| | adamisacson When
airlines
say "seat
backs
in the
upright
position" or "electronic
devices
in the
off position," it
really
pisses
me in
the off
position. 2:16 PM Apr 26th |
| | badbanana A
cruise
ship
thwarted
a pirate
attack
yesterday
by firing
back.
Because
you don't
get between
old people
and buffets. 10:54 AM Apr 26th |
| | sniffyjenkins Just
read
'Her
tongue
was perniciously
active'
in a
classic
novel.
My inner
15-year
old sniggered.
Top of
tomorrow's
To Do
list:
GROW
UP. 5:35 AM Apr 26th |
 | baileygenine Me: "'Everything'
is one
word,
right?"
Mom: "No, not everything,
some things are two words." 3:49 PM Apr 25th |
 | CranberryPerson When
I kill
a spider
I am
a hero
in my
house.
But not
to the
spiders.
Unless
maybe
that
particular
spider
was a
known
rapist
or something. 10:02 AM Apr 25th |
| | texburgher Blocking
your
family
on Twitter
is the
new hiding
your
liquor
in the
tool
shed. 5:09 AM Apr 25th |
 | crispycracka I'm
so glad
my GPS
has a
bear-warning
feature! "Bear
to the
left." Ok,
I won't
go that
way then!
Atlanta
has SO
MANY
bears! 9:36 AM Apr 24th |
| | badbanana My
daughters
are using
enhanced
pretty
please
interrogation
tactics
on me.
I fear
I am
about
to be
sugarboarded. 3:29 PM Apr 23rd |
| | toldorknown Installed
no-tools-required
dog door.
Will
now spend
remainder
of evening
swaggering
around
as though
I built
the Great
Pyramid
of Cheops. 2:30 PM Apr 23rd |
| | myracles A
customer
just
said
'You're
not looking
at me!
Why are
your
eyes
closed?!'.
This
is my
sex life
all over
again. 10:48 AM Apr 23rd |
 | sunnybucket Been
procrastinating
all day.
I'll
tweet
about
it later. 8:38 AM Apr 23rd |
 | hisnamesLen Me,
in Russian
accent:
“You
have
black
box?
I have
microfilm.”
Russian
associate:
*confused
look*
Me: “I
take
that
as ‘Da’.” 7:52 AM Apr 23rd |
 | yowhatsthehaps I
feel
so graceful.
Gliding
across
the floor,
toes
pointed,
arms
held
elegantly
in position
like
a ballerina.
God,
I love
office
chairs. 7:39 AM Apr 23rd |
 |
ladawn I
put more
time
into
preparing
for the
lady
doctor
than
I ever
have
for any
date
ever.
It's
like
I expect
a Best
in Show
award
or something. 7:02 AM Apr 23rd |
 | zolora Pretty
sure
that
bug I
just
killed
was an
alien
emissary,
but whatevs
to intergalactic
war.
Damn
alien
pervs
need
to stay
out of
my shower. 5:31 AM Apr 23rd |
| | yowhatsthehaps Him: "Calm
down.
Just
go to
your
happy
place." Me:
*whispers* "Twitter?" 10:47 AM Apr 22nd |
 | smilinbjones There's
something
about
being
on the
treadmill
while
watching
The Biggest
Loser.
It almost
makes
me want
to plug
the thing
in. 3:02 PM Apr 21st |
 | emilybrianna Quinn: "Sometimes
you don't
have
to go
to college.
Sometimes
you find
a rare
fossil
and get
rich
from
that!" I
am so
proud. 2:37 PM Apr 21st |
 | tweetlibrary Jurassic
Park
by Michael
Crichton.
“Rawr” means “mathematicians
are yummy”
in Dinosaur.
The End. 11:03 AM Apr 20th |
 | dmoren Top
5 faves:
1. @raindropsonroses 2.
@whiskersonkittens 3.
@brightcopperkettles 4.
@warmwoolenmittens 5.
@brownpaperpackagestiedupwithstring 10:38 AM Apr 20th |
| | badbanana A
quick
glance
at Twitter's
trending
topics
tells
me Stephen
Hawking
won the
Boston
Marathon.
Who needs
traditional
media? 7:16 AM Apr 20th |
 | sween Hey,
CNN?
Quit
saying
pythons
are "gaining
a foothold" in
the Everglades.
Pythons
don't
appreciate
irony. 5:08 AM Apr 20th |
 | zeldman Was
impressed
by my
friend's
reference
to Homer
until
I realized
he meant
Simpson. 3:30 AM Apr 20th |
 | AmyJane John: "Mama
and Daddy
make
the rules." Jonas: "Mama
makes
the rules.
If Mama
DIES
then
you can
make
the rules." I
snickered. 3:28 AM Apr 20th |
 | abigvictory Larry
King
is talking
about
twitter.
We're
going
to look
back
on this
day like
Metallica
fans
look
back
on the
release
of the
black
album. 3:10 PM Apr 19th |
 | scottsimpson I
prefer
the term "lonely
media." "Social" makes
it sound
like
you're,
you know,
talking
to someone.
When,
in fact,
you're
totally
alone. 8:04 PM Apr 18th |
| | abigvictory To
my daughter:
I know
you're
on twitter.
Let's
compromise.
You stay
out of
my internet
world
and I
won't
cut you
off from
the router. 3:07 PM Apr 18th |
| | texburgher I
wish
I could
measure
how much
of my
life
has passed
me by
while
I played
with
my iPhone.
Maybe there's an app
for that. April 18 2009 |
| | yowhatsthehaps Yes,
I call
that
dancing.
I have rhythm. I have
LOTS
of rhythm.
I was
just
using
it all
at once. April 18 2009 |
 |
Aimee_B_Loved Gramma: "A
cop would
arrest
me for
all these
pills." Me: "Nothing
says
drug
dealer
like
a 'Friends
are flowers
in nature's
garden'
Tshirt." April 18 2009 |
| | AmyJane Jonas: "If
you smile
really
big at
bees
they
won't
sting
you because
they'll
know
you're
a nice
person." This
kid is
SO gonna
get stung. 6:30 AM Apr 17th |
| | 
On April
17th, Oprah
Winfrey,
one of the
world's most
powerful
celebrities,
became the
latest star
to join Twitter
(@Oprah).
Hundreds
of thousands
new users
signed up
after Winfrey
promoted
Twitter on
her TV show.
The "Oprah
effect" caused
Twitter traffic
to jump by
43%, according
to market
tracker Hitwise.
|
 | nick Brethren,
sistren,
let us
gather
on the
last
day of
Twitter,
for verily
Oprah
doth
approach,
and her
people
shall
bring
the Whale
of Fail. 5:17 AM Apr 17th |
| | 
@poeks: There's an obvious Oprah/Fail Whale joke here, but I'm waiting until she gets skinny again to tell it. |
| | 
@MarquitaThomas:
@BstTwt Why
is everyone
hatin' on
Oprah today?
So what her
folks will
discover
Twitter,
join TwitterMoms
for like
10 days and
then leave.
|
| | badbanana At
last,
Oprah
has an
outlet
for her
thoughts
and opinions. 6:37 PM Apr 16th |
| | sween 5
Things
that
Enhance
Flavor:
- salt
- garlic
- chili pepper
- olive oil
- the waitress calling
you "Sugar" 3:39 AM Apr 17th |
 | Tony_D My
stupid
Analogy
Generator
is on
the fritz
again,
which
is sort
of like
when..
um..
DAMMIT. 7:38 AM Apr 16th |
 | dwineman You
say "looks
like
somebody
has too
much
time
on their
hands" but
all I
hear
is "I'm
sad because
I don't
know
what
creativity
feels
like." 8:42 AM Apr 15th |
| | Tony_D Great
Moments
in Design:
in 1509,
a London
printshop
apprentice
needs
to fit
more
than
140 characters
into
his Tweetebooke.
Kerning
is born. 2:24 AM Apr 15th |
 | CcSteff Ugh,
I can
hear
the neighbors
doin'
it again.
Why can't
they
just
announce
it on
the internet
like
normal
people? 1:54 AM Apr 15th |
 | joeschmidt 9yo
Son:
Can you
Google
anything?
Me: Yep.
Son: Google how babies
are made.
me: 4:01 PM Apr 14th |
 | ShawnaF Just
uttered:
Dude,
what
the hell?
How is
your
*silent*
vibrate
ring
louder
than
the ringer?
Is that
a phone
or a
weed
whacker? 10:53 AM Apr 14th |
 | ttseco When
I first
saw Michael
Palin
travel
the world
I thought
that's
exactly
what
I want
to do
with
my life!
Sit on
my sofa
and watch
him travel 7:30 AM Apr 14th |
| | adamisacson Today,
my tax
payment
will
leave
my failing
bank.
Whence
my government
will
award
it to
failing
banks.
Godspeed, little check.
Godspeed. 3:20 AM Apr 14th |
| | adamisacson Saying, "That's
what
happens
when
a hunter
does
the gathering" will
not help
your
wife
understand
how you
just
blew
$260
at Whole
Foods. 4:37 PM Apr 13th |
 | essdogg Working
on taxes
tonight.
I have
two pencils
sharpened
in case
the lead
on the
first
one breaks
before
I get
it all
the way
to my
heart. 2:05 PM Apr 13th |
 | hotdogsladies Nearly
everyone
at the
airport
is shiny,
obese,
furious,
and,
according
to numerous
90dB
phone
conversations,
they
are now
at the
airport. 3:14 AM Apr 13th |
| | adamisacson 4-year-old: "I'll
put my
stuffed
animals
on the
table
so they
can watch
you die."
Me: "WHAT? Oh, the eggs.
Right. D-y-e. Carry on." 8:46 AM Apr 11th |
| | badbanana Going
to burn
some
fossil
fuels
and take
a road
trip.
It's
okay,
I have
a signed
note
from
a polar
bear. 4:32 AM Apr 11th |
| | nick This
Virgin
plane
has a
wide
array
of entertainment
options
that
almost
rival
my pocket
telephone. 7:49 PM Apr 8th |
 | cleversimon Dropped
a pill
down
the sink.
I guess
some
lucky
fish
in the
North
Saskatchewan
River
will
actually
be able
to get
out of
bed today. 7:32 AM Apr 8th |
| | hotdogsladies If
you find
that
cynical,
leave
your
comments
about
my comments
about
comments
in the "Comments" section
of my
Commentorium
in Second
Life. 6:12 AM Apr 8th |
 | biorhythmist Know
a good
real
estate
attorney?
One familiar
with "Failure
to disclose
indigenous
'La Cucaracha'
wake-up
car horn" cases
would
be great. 6:04 AM Apr 8th |
 | mayjah ME:
I've
never
asked
a man
to dance.
Too shy.
HIM:
No, you
just
stand
there
and (series
of streetwalker
poses).
ME: You
missed
your
calling. 4:11 AM Apr 8th |
 | katefeetie Damn
you,
brilliant
Tweet
whose
wording
cannot
be made...
wait,
who I
cannot...
the wording
correctly...
whose
doing...
oh, screw
it. 3:33 PM Apr 7th |
 | sloganeerist You
know
it's
time
to get
out for
a beer
when
you find
yourself
openly
addressing
the cat
as "young
lady" in
a private
conversation. 2:19 PM Apr 7th |
 | nonsequiturific Hubby
suggested
that
I might
need
to take
a little
Twitter
break.
I really
don't
harbor
any animosity
toward
him,
I'm even
helping
him pack. 9:52 AM Apr 7th |
| | detweiler Transparency?
Ha! My
political
campaign
platform
would
emphasize
gratuitous
oversharing.
The people
have
a right
to wish
they
didn't
know! 9:48 AM Apr 7th |
 | wryredhead Rental
guy asking
if I
want
to "upgrade" to
a Hyundai.
Just let that one sit
a minute
while
I go
get my
rickshaw. 5:36 AM Apr 7th |
| | hotdogsladies Wielding
this
giant
hunting
knife
makes
me feel
unbelievably
macho.
Using it to gently halve
a peach
tartlet
on a
doily:
less
so. 5:06 AM Apr 7th |
 | Rachelskirts Have
decided
to categorize
Gmail
messages
based
on my
initial
reaction.
New labels:
wtf?,
ugh,
meh,
zomg
just
die already,
hah!,
oh snap. 6:57 PM Apr 6th |
| | badbanana Instead
of cash,
what
if America
sent
aid to
other
countries
in the
form
of Pontiacs
and Buicks? 9:41 AM Apr 6th |
 | hoosiergirl My
kid says
to my
colleagues, "Eskimos
kiss
with
their
noses.
I wonder
how they--" so
I yell
NOO & he
says "hug" & once
again,
I'm the
perv. 8:01 AM Apr 6th |
 | erikprice Coolest
thing
ever
just
happened
to me.
Dude
in a
wheelchair
stood
straight
up to
berate
me on
the street.
I enrage...
and heal! 12:23 PM Apr 5th |
| | badbanana Guys,
let up
a little.
They
worked
really
hard
on that
rocket.
I don't
see you
making
one. 7:40 AM Apr 5th |
| | CcSteff I
have
sauce
on both
my neck
and forehead.
Should've
test-licked
these
bowls
before
we bought
them. 2:12 PM Apr 4th |
| | Aimee_B_Loved U.S.
presidents
in character
map form:
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☺ ☺
☺ ☻ 11:16 AM Apr 4th |
 | joeschmitt RUMOR:
Twitter
negotiations
with
Google
broke
down
over
Google's
inability
to phrase
their
offer
in 140
characters. 10:42 AM Apr 4th |
| | 
@legbamel:
@BstTwt Let's
see: "We'll
pay you $8
billion,
you'll give
us your servers
and keys." I
don't see
a problem,
there! :D
|
| | sniffyjenkins Why
are there
'character'
actors?
I thought
all actors
played
characters.
What
do other
actors
do, wait
tables?
Oh. Right. 4:42 AM Apr 3rd |
| | texburgher Maybe,
just
for today,
I'll
try being
less
tentative. 2:57 AM Apr 3rd |
 | rsmallbone The
kids
are making
limos
by taping
toy cars
together.
So yes,
awesome
is hereditary. 2:21 AM Apr 3rd |
 | peachcherub I'b
just
a little
congesteg
this
bornig.
I'll
be find. 8:38 AM Apr 2nd |
 | idvssuperego Being
the only
dad at
mommy-and-me
didn’t
lead
to the
bacchanalian
orgies
that
Hollywood
depicts.
But the
baked
goods
were
orgasmic. 6:17 AM Apr 2nd |
 | secretsquirrel See,
you can
tell
it's
a polite
notice
by the
bolded
heading "Polite
Notice".
The line "written
by a
douchenozzle" you
have
to extrapolate. 4:56 AM Apr 2nd |
| | sniffyjenkins I've
been
waiting
lifetimes,
eons,
for the
office
kettle
to boil.
My job?
Keeping
hyperbole
in gainful
employment
since
the dawn
of time. 10:52 PM Apr 1st |
 | redrabbit My
office
April
Fool's
Day prank
ended
with
me signing
a first-warning
statement
about
sexual
harassment.
A good
time
was had
by all. 10:34 AM Apr 1st |
 | AinsleyofAttack Back
in the
day,
everyone
wanted
to start
a band.
Now everyone
wants
to start
a meme.
Rock
and LOL. 10:18 AM Apr 1st |
| | sniffyjenkins Riots
in London.
We don't
do guns
in the
UK, but
we do
have
speeded-up
running
around,
girls’
clothes
falling
off & a
Benny
Hill
soundtrack. 10:10 AM Apr 1st |
| | badbanana Obama
gave
the Queen
an iPod.
Now she'll
have
something
to listen
to while
being
carried
around
the jogging
track. 7:55 AM Apr 1st |
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